Escaping Nightmares
by CIF-lover
Summary: Don had a drug induced nightmare making him rethink his position in his family. He and his brothers find out just how close they really are. This is supposed to be OT4 which means turtle slash. Donatello centric, turtle incest... Eri, you are lucky I love you.
1. The Nightmare

First warnings include gore and drama. Eventually this was supposed to become an all turtle love fest or something but I have to see just how much I can write that.

I do not own the turtles.

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Dark eyes opened into a world of numbed coolness. Years of training tugged at a weary mind but the young genius's grip on reality was too weak to feel the gaping holes left in what should be. Three fingered hands fumbled across a fuzzy feeling floor to find it coalescing into firm coolness. Odd thoughts of the world being too insubstantial plagued his mind but he persevered. Pushing was hard with arms that felt like jelly but a couple of failed attempts eventually fell away to the young ninja pushing himself to his feet.

Along with the elevation came coherent thoughts rushing through the terrapin like large tides of water attempting to wash him away. A three fingered hand found a squishy face before it became coarser like the flesh Donatello was accustomed to. Donatello, that was his name. He could remember now. He and his brothers had been investigating yet another disappeared scientist when things went south. How had he made it back here in their sub terrain abode? The last thing he could remember was April getting pulled from her hiding place by one of those Foot Ninjas before everything went black. No, that was not quite it. His memories were pulled back into focus with perfect clarity. April had insisted on going out to investigate the disappearance of one of her father's former associates because there were still several hours more of daylight. Both he and Leo objected but it was ultimately her decision. Donatello winced and rubbed his face. Why did he let her go? The turtles could have handled it just fine after dark when Master Splinter allowed them to visit the surface.

"Father!" Donatello pushed off of the wall he had been leaning against and half ran, half floated through the misty form of his home to find his father's room empty. There was something wrong with this world. It was like it did not exist if he was not actively focusing on it. The ground was at least true and solid, but had the rough grain of concrete been there before he thought to look for it? The purple clad ninja shivered. Was it really cold here or had he just imagined that too?

What happened earlier?

When he imagined what had already passed, it seemed realer than the present. He was in the TV room with his brothers and April. She was as beautiful as ever with her hair pulled back in a serviceable pony tail. April was busy, clicking away on his laptop tracing this lead or that while he just stared at her. Leonardo had taken the remote hostage to enjoy his favorite show about a space captain. Donatello could remember that because his leaf green limbs were strewn about casually on the sofa behind April's determinedly hunched form. She often sat like that when she found something particularly interesting. She would put whatever it was onto the lap of her crossed legs and hunch her shoulders as her upper body stooped over her object of interest as she furrowed her brow just so in concentration. How he admired her.

He could hardly remember Michelangelo sitting on the few steps that led towards the kitchen, yammering on about some ninjitsu article in a magazine he had found one night during patrol. Where was Raphael when it happened? Donatello could remember him growling responses to their youngest brother but he could not remember what the red clad ninja had been doing at the time. They had made brief eye contact across the room but Raphael had not been physically doing anything that Donatello could remember. Was he ill? That was not important right now.

Why did he let her go?

He could see April's pale peachy face light up as she found a new lead. She announced that she was heading to the upper city bringing Leonardo's mother hen tendencies to the surface as he beseeched her wait to no avail. Donatello's own arguments to keep her down in the sewers felt weak even to his own mind, then he remembered Raphael suggesting she sync her cell phone to the shell cell frequency in case if she needed the turtles' help. Donatello frowned. Of course, she agreed sending a warming smile to Raphael. His chest throbbed. Where was that warmth now? There was no getting angry at Raph, he meant well.

But where was everyone?

Dark brown eyes flicked around the room. How had he gotten to the TV room? How had he gotten home? He lifted his hands from his lap, barely noting that he was seated on the couch. His hands looked how they always had, a wrinkle there, a bump here. He brought a pointer to the palm of his other hand and pushed, slightly fascinated by how the flesh there warped and buckled on the back of his hand where the finger was stretching his palm like rubber. Then this was a dream. Donatello remembered reading somewhere that that was one way to test if you were dreaming.

And just like that his finger was pressing against his firm palm just like any other day. So that was how he got here, he was dreaming. The fight must not have gone as well as it should have. Father would have some stern words for him when he got home. Standing from his seat and glancing around at his surroundings, Donatello amended his last thought. When I next see Father, he will have some stern words for me.

Knowing that nothing could be done at home, Donatello climbed the stairs to the sewers proper. He snatched up his younger brother's skateboard to shorten the trip topside. As long as he did not dwell on it, the way the surroundings zoomed past, featureless and hazy, was not too disturbing. Before he knew it, without even a thought, Donatello stood with his feet firmly on the damp concrete staring at the ladder his family normally used to go topside. Dark eyes darted around at the shifting world, confused about where Mikey's skateboard disappeared to. He brought his attention to the ladder and gave a start in realization that the crude vehicle was resting against the wall behind it. He had certainly not put it there. Tightening the knot on his mask and his resolve, he climbed and moved the too light slab of metal aside to expose the visage of nighttime New York City.

Everything slammed into focus and refused to budge as Donatello surfaced. The now realistic weight of the manhole cover was gritty and cool to the touch just as he remembered it. He slunk into the shadows, careful with his foot placement as he was trained but as grating as each misstep was to his ear slits, the noise seemed to fill the world that was otherwise void of life. Lean arms stretched towards the dark sky to grip a fire escape ramp as Donatello made his way to the roof. Grab, swing, flip, grab, swing, reach, grab, swing, flip, and land. Donatello reveled in each swift movement and how each fed propulsion to the next leading up to his landing on this rooftop. It was all so right, so perfect, as though it was real. His glide along the silent rooftops felt natural as well. The padding of his feet had to be precise and careful. Though his quiet footfalls were the only noise in this lifeless world, he still needed sure footing so he did not slip. As easy and common as it was, Donatello still focused on his run as though he was patrolling with his brothers.

He was more alert here, definitely, where there was no Raphael or Michelangelo to watch his back and no Leonardo to watch his front. Donatello may have been the least talented warrior of the four but he had his place and purpose on the team. But now, all alone in this shadow of a world, Donatello could feel his limitations weighing down on him full force. None of his brothers would be pulling him out of trouble here but perhaps if he was quick enough, he could be there when they needed him. Tense and alert, he trudged forward silent as the wind this place lacked. Each jump and twirl necessary to bring him where he needed to go. Too bad Master Splinter could not see him now. If he could, it might make up some for his horrendous blunder that brought him to this place.

Abruptly, the world stopped rushing past as Donatello halted on the same roof he and his brothers had been on earlier that night. It was all as he remembered it. Mikey and Leo had crouched right there next to the edge facing yet another abandoned warehouse in New York City. Didn't these people already have enough space issues without wasting such broad areas to store things they quite frankly did not need? Donatello had made quick work of pacing the building to find missed points of entry before joining his two brothers near the edge of the roof while Raphael just sat leisurely perched on an old air conditioning unit watching and waiting for further orders to smash stuff. Donatello could almost see Leo pointing at his preferred infiltration point while mapping out his plan. Raph would then approach the trio grumbling out some witty remark, this time at Mikey's expense, causing a short spat between the brothers before Leo reigned them both in for the mission. As worried as Donatello was, he remembered some of the tension in his shoulders being released by the sheer normalcy of all of it. Even though April was in danger, all hope still was not lost. The lonely Donatello took a deep breath for stability as he cast away his memories with a swift leap from the building. It was the first time he could remember just walking across the street under the lamplight but he would have to be shell shocked stupid not to take the opportunity now that he had it. He was not going to miss this opportunity to walk through the front door.

The old steel door came away with a rusty grate to expose three surprised looking ninjas. Donatello had no time for surprise though. He would not be taken out twice in one night! The purple masked ninja narrowed his all white appearing eyes to send a swift jab to the throat of one ninja who slackened with a slight strangled groan. Donatello then dipped his left hand down to the falling ninja's thigh to extract a few shuriken to toss towards the still active Foot Ninja while positioning the unconscious man between his terrapin body and the other humans in the room. The sharp ping of steel on steel too close to where he tossed the weapons out was all the confirmation he needed that the other ninja had recuperated and retaliated in just the way he expected.

He was wasting time here. He needed to find April.

Donatello tossed his unconscious man shield towards the ninja to the right in time to parry a bout of rapid hand jabs from the ninja on the left before a simple leg swipe brought the black clad ninja to his back on the floor with an "Omph!" just in time. The ninja turtle stepped aside as the unconscious Foot Ninja was pushed onto his teammate who was sprawled out on the floor still. Donatello blocked an all-out punch head on only deflecting it to the side as a bruising pain blossomed in his arm. Missing his bo sorely, Donatello quickly switched over to a jump spinning kick to swiftly take the man out with a head shot as his still conscious friend staggered to his feet with a katana at hand. The purple masked ninja started a rush but faltered when he got a better look at the sword, feeling the long hilt dig into his stomach. It was Leo's katana. The purple clad ninja's hand found the familiar grip of his brother's sword and thrust it away from his body as he simultaneously kneed his opponent's gut. Another quick blow to the man's neck rendered him unconscious as well so Donatello could strip him of his brother's katana. It was Leo's, same weight and feel and everything but where was the other one and where was Leo?

The sword felt odd in his hands out of the dojo but he mustered enough grace to stealth his way further into the warehouse. Large crates were everywhere and as good of a hiding place they were for Donatello's ninja skills, they were just as good for the Foot. Opting for expediency and a slight advantage, Donatello scaled a particularly high pile of pallets quietly.

A wave of nausea racked the purple clad ninja as he pressed himself to the top of his perch. Noise had erupted all around. Shouts and clangs and ragged pants that had not been there before assaulted Donatello harshly. Dark eyes opened as slits in a purple mask parted. The scene before him was too familiar. It was identical to before. His head ached as though someone had tried to split it apart like a piece of firewood. What was identical to before again? Before what exactly? Dark eyes opened again through the pain to analyze the situation. Leonardo and Raphael were hard pressed back to back both with their teeth bared, surrounded by over a dozen of the Foot Ninja. Mikey was further back, near to where Donatello had dropped his bo. Another intense pang shot through Donatello's head as he tried to remember when he had actually dropped it. Brown eyes snapped open again at a familiar whine. It was a certain precursor to Michelangelo accusing his brothers of cheating in the dojo. It was a certain precursor to Donatello's younger brother's defeat. The purple clad terrapin sprang to his feet in an instant, pushing his own discomfort as far from his physical being as possible.

He had to save Mikey!

Donatello saw red as he leapt from crate to crate. One last small sprint and he was flying off a stack of pallets and into the fray of battle. Not as deft with a blade as his older brothers, Donatello made his way to Michelangelo cutting, parrying, slicing, and hitting without a care of whether he was killing his opponents.

A fist flew towards one of his eyes and was promptly removed from the rest of its body by Donatello's quick slash. Another ninja approaching from behind earned himself a deft kick in the ribs. The crunch that resulted was nothing compared to the warmth that slowly spread across olive green skin as Donatello's hand met human flesh. The purple masked ninja felt shock join his pain and nausea but he had no time to fret over it as he wrenched Leonardo's katana from a man's chest to continue his pursuit of joining his brother in his fight. The whole world rocked and nearly knocked the purple clad ninja off his feet.

His snarling face swiveled toward Leonardo as the leader addressed his little brothers, "It's going to be alright Donatello. It is just us." The blue eyed gaze turned regard Raphael as the red masked ninja grappled with a particularly fearsome looking opponent. "Raph, can you hold him on your own? I want to be able to use both of my arms on the way out. No more surprises." Donatello blinked as new waves of pain racked him like the tide. How could Leonardo be so calm in the middle of a battle they were so clearly losing? What was wrong with the oldest turtle? He was making absolutely no sense. Raphael grunted out a reply that sounded so much closer than he really was and Leonardo turned back towards Donatello's direction. This time that icy gaze was focused on Michelangelo. His voice was louder this time, more strained. "Mike, you got 'em?" Donatello felt a zap of fear like sticking a paper clip in a socket. Michelangelo was on the ground with a Foot Ninja sitting on his plastron, slicing at his cheek. Mikey grunted and Leonardo nodded, turning back to his own battle.

Pain seared Donatello's eye sockets and the purple clad ninja's hands flew up to his head as a reflex but he fought them back down and glanced around for a weapon. That did not seem right. Weren't there ninja near him? How did he even make it this far without a weapon? His dark eyes widened as he spotted his bo near where Michelangelo lay screaming. He felt heavier and bulkier than ever as he made his mad dash towards his signature weapon. Donatello swore that he would practice more to become less of a burden in battles as his hands found the long wooden shaft of his bo. There was no twirling or situating his hands just so on the six foot pole like he might normally do. Instead, he ran screaming and swinging his bo. It was not the most refined move and it would probably get him kicked out of the dojo at home but he did not care. Mikey was in danger. Most of the ninja he knocked away were hardly any resistance but when his staff made contact with the heap of the man atop Mikey, it made a dreadful cracking noise and he could feel every bit of the impact in his arms as he watched the man with the broken skull fly away from Michelangelo's body.

Donatello's body shook as he pulled his little brother to his feet. The pair turned back to the Foot Ninja boxing them in. Brown eyes met true blue set in an orange mask and Donatello knew, despite their wounds and weariness, they had each other's backs. Giving his staff a short twirl, the purple masked ninja got into position for a fight alongside Michelangelo.

One Foot approached earning him a smack to the face from a bo before the younger terrapin's foot connected with his temple with a loud smack. Donatello smiled. With Mikey by his side they'd be out of there in no time. Then brown eyes were drawn too something orange by a crate. April was just where she said she would be when she called in the trouble this evening. Donatello grinned. She was staring right at him with that smile on her face and boy was he going to give her a show.

He thwacked one ninja on the calf, letting Michelangelo take him out with a punch, but it wasn't enough. He needed to really impress her! Donatello fell into a solo move he'd made up. Spinning his bo staff over his head to bring it down to strike at the opposing ninja while dancing back and forth almost boxer style. Right, jab this guy in the shoulder, twirl. Left, knock both of those guys in the head hard. He heard the two loud cracks signifying that those two would never get up again. Bring it up for another twirl, deflect that shuriken. Dodging a Foot Ninja's punch, Donatello heard an "Oof," less than a second before he slammed his bo into the attacker's foot only to crack the pole into the man's temple in the next moment.

Donatello turned to regard April who was shouting and pointing to something behind him. The purple masked terrapin crouched and swung his bo around for and abdominal shot meeting the resistance of a body and instantly regretting it. Mikey who was just recovering from the punch he had just received from the Foot Ninja was jostled sharply by Donatello's long weapon and met the wall behind him with a dull smack. He forgot that Mikey was behind him! How stupid could a genius be? Donatello blushed and turned back to his human friend only to see that the Foot had noticed her too and now had her captured. Stupid! First he utterly botched his new move and April probably thought he was a dork. Now he had given up her position to the enemy by smiling like a loon and taking out Michelangelo.

Donatello glanced back at Mikey who was shakily regaining his footing. Finding new resolve, Donatello decided Mikey could take out those goons without him. April needed him so he pole vaulted over the wall of enemies to pursue her.

Mikey's voice followed him, "Leo! He's doing it again!" The youngest of the turtles sounded panicked but Donatello could not bring himself to care. His head hurt as he chased after his human friend's captors.

The purple clad ninja hardly heard Leo's or Raph's answers and he certainly made no attempt to make sense of them. Leonardo: "We can't do anything out here. We just have to get home." Raphael: "Fearless. The humans, they're watchin' us."

All of the sudden, the ninja ahead of Donatello stopped and pulled out a needle, ready to inject it into the girl's neck. Howling, the purple masked terrapin lunged forward to knock the injection away from April again. That's right, he did this before, only this time his head jerked back of its own accord, pulling his body off of the ground a second later. "No!" He yelled with real force he did not even know he had. The needle burrowed deep into April's pinkish skin and she immediately turned grey and lifeless before she was tossed to the floor by ninja who disappeared like smoky shadows. Also falling to the ground, Donatello crawled over to the girl he couldn't save. He lifted her head with trembling hands, hating everything about her terrified expression. He gingerly closed her eyes and felt all over the face that he was denied during her life.

Donatello was choking on his sobs but no tears would escape his eyes as he held her body close.

Raphael's dark chuckle sounded in sync with his olive colored brother's tremors. It frightened Donatello further by escalating into a mirthless guffaw drawing brown eyes to lock onto the broadest mutant turtle's form. The red masked ninja's head was thrown back as he shook with his tainted laughter. It was all cut off abruptly to allow words to escape Raphael's shadowed face. "Ya tried so hard an' now look at ya. Ya couldn't save 'er Donnie. Ya gave up everythin' an' she didn't even like ya." Another round of laughter that went perfectly with the throbbing in Donatello's head sounded. Something caught the brown eyed gaze in Raphael's hand but Donatello could not tell what it was. Was that a strip of cloth? "What did ya think brainiac? That ya'd save 'er and what? She'd never like ya Don. Hell, we don't even like ya. Nah, I couldn't make ya live through that. I had to stop this torture yer puttin' yerself through. Y'understand, yer the genius after all." Raphael stepped further into the light and Donatello's jaw dropped open with a startled croak. Raphael was holding his mask. He was the one that stopped April's rescue, but that was not the most shocking thing brought to light. Raphael had a huge lump swelling from his right temple like some big greenish purple egg stuck to the side of his head. No one could survive a hit like that. Shell, Raph shouldn't have even been conscious after the blow that would be necessary to develop something like that.

"That's right Donnie, we are dead." Donatello turned to see his oldest brother striding out of the shadows in his graceful saunter. Donatello held tighter to the body in his hands. Leonardo had one katana sheathed but the other on was still in his competent grasp covered in blood to the hilt. He had only one visible injury but he was just as dead as Raphael. A hole in his leader's chest leaked blood like the tears he should be shedding. It was just where Donatello had stabbed a Foot Ninja.

Donatello's head swiveled back towards Raphael to see him limping towards him. He could remember it, smashing that guy's foot before nailing his temple. "I killed you." Donatello clenched his eyes shut and shuddered at his own admission. Another headache seized him but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.

Leo was the one to answer but his voice was fuzzy and light. "No, but you did kill him." Leo's proclamation hurt more than any of the headaches ever had. Brown eyes opened, knowing what they would see but still needing to see it. He filled Donatello's vision as a hazy sea green mess. Mikey. "It was you who let him die." Donatello remembered, he left him all alone to chase after April, not once but twice. He could remember the first time now. He left Mikey pinned down and saved April. Now, looking at Mikey's frightened and tormented face, his head stopped hurting. "You killed him." Leonardo repeated coldly.

Mikey's face remained frozen but again he spoke and somehow, his echoed words seemed realer than anything else. "He's doing it again."

Yes, Donatello had left them during a battle to chase after April. Donnie left his brothers to chase a girl.

Now his brothers were calling his name to join them in death. Even April was calling for him to die. Finally, he felt the wetness of tears but they never made it all the way to his eyes. Instead they took up residence in his throat to drown him. At least he would finally stop disappointing his family.

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As explanation, a friend of mine irl wanted what she calls a 'good' OT4 fanfiction based off of the new series. Some of this could be wrong even though I have two I have two TMNT fans assistance in writing it. She wanted Donnie to have a nightmare about liking April before coming to realize he was really in love with his brothers. She said she liked this though it was not what she was looking for and she has been begging me to post it since. Just a warning, if this gets a negative response from the fan community, I will delete it. TMNT is not my chosen fandom.

More to come. ^.^


	2. Drinking the Tea

"Please, my son."

"I'm coming Father." Donatello told Master Splinter. When did Father die?

"Donnie's alive!" Mikey squealed and all the pain came back full force making Donatello flinch.

"Don't touch him, shell for brains." That had to be Raph. Donatello whimpered, remembering how his darkest brother died. "We already know he's alive. How could someone dead possibly scream fer two hours straight?"

"Please guys, can you be quiet? I am trying to figure out what to do about that terror shot. The lab trials stated that it wore of in minutes and that an overdose killed in seconds but it was never tested on people." That was April on the laptop.

"No offense, but Donnie isn't exactly human anyway." Leo sounded worried but what did he have to be worried about? Donatello would be dead soon, just like he wanted. "Why would the scientist want a fear inducing drug for turtles anyway?"

"Come on dude!" Donatello's throat clenched shut as his little brother spoke again. "How long until you admit that Shredder will do anything to kill us dead?"

Finally the tears fell from the right part of his face. Donatello cleared his throat to speak. "I already killed you Mike." The olive skinned terrapin couldn't even feel the embarrassment of his voice cracking as his dark eyes opened to focus on his younger brother's beautifully intact face. "What happened to your face?' He choked out.

Raphael leaned closer conspiratorially, "Oh, he's always been that ugly. Don't ya 'member Don?"

Master Splinter touched Raph's shoulder and frightened amber eyes flicked to their father before the dark colored turtle retreated to allow the rat to approach. "How are you feeling, my son? We need to know if there are any other ailments besides these sleep terrors plaguing you."

Brown eyes scanned his family over; a bruise here and a scrape there was all he could find marring their bodies. They waited silently, all eyes trained on the turtle lying in bed. "It was all just a dream?" He asked, nervously searching his brother's frightened faces. Don nearly forgot his father's question. "Oh yeah! I have a headache. Oww." A three fingered hand grabbed his bare head and he bolted up to sit up right. While groaning with the newly remembered pain he shot an accusing finger at Raphael. "It wasn't a dream! You took my mask."

The red masked terrapin looked frightened. Why would Raph be afraid of him if he was not responsible for Mikey's death? Leonardo put a comforting hand on Donatello's outstretched one and they both drifted slowly to the bed as certain blue and panicked brown eyes locked. Leo inched closer with Mikey glued to his side before carefully responding, "Do you remember what happened tonight?"

Donatello backed up on the bed until he hit the wall and was shocked to hear a poster crunch behind him. He pulled his knees up against his plastron. He was in Mikey's room. Why was he in Mikey's bed? He mentally kicked himself for not noticing to bright yellow sheets bunched on the foot of the bed or the light green walls surrounding him. Something screamed at him from his pained mind. Michelangelo's room is the closest to the entrance. He couldn't start his version of tonight's events with the fact that he killed his brother who let him use his bed while he was asleep. "Umm…"

"Take your time Donatello. I am afraid it may be a long night for you. Be assured, we will not part from your side unless you wish it." They weren't going to leave? Of course not. They were not the horrible turtle who left his baby brother behind.

Mikey stood there next to his bed with Donatello's bo and mask clenched in one hand, looking worried. He must want his bed back, Donatello reasoned. The olive complexioned ninja moved to get off the bed but the way his family tensed at the motion halted him. He looked into his younger brother's bright blue eyes and received a small smile in return. Mikey was shaking slightly, the genius noted when Leo slipped an arm around the sea green shoulders.

Leonardo was a rock as always. He was always the unweatherable support for his younger siblings. This time however, those icy blue eyes held a disappointed sadness. Leo knew Donatello had failed. Other than his eyes, the oldest brother's face was stoically calm. It was such a difference from Donnie's other brother's faces.

Raphael had an entire emotional war taking place on his face. Mostly the anger that was almost ever present in the darker ninja but fear was fighting strongly to control his amber eyes and every now and then a pinch of absolute despair would make a brief appearance.

April sat at the foot of the bed on a big turtle stuffed animal that Raphael had jokingly given their little brother as a present last year. Her eyes were filled to the brim with worry and she had Donatello's laptop balanced on her lap which she seemed to have forgotten now. Whatever she had been reading was not very interesting anyways. She did not even have her legs crossed.

Dark eyes had a difficult time focusing on Master Splinter. When Father knew how badly he'd messed up, that fear would be replaced with the same disappointment Leonardo was feeling.

Knowing it was what was right, Donatello released his tears and words for his family's scrutiny. He knew it was past time for their judgment. "April got a tip and went off to investigate. The Foot were there so once night fell, we went out to make sure she got out safely. The fighting was intense. I lost my bo and- and…" He couldn't say it. He had killed people tonight. People with families.

"Do you- Do you want me to leave Donnie?" April looked uncertain. He couldn't help it. He cried. April disappeared as he sobbed into his arms propped up on his knees.

By the time he came around he had some warm weight pushing in all around him. It moved in almost rhythmic erratic tiny jerks.

"Mike, ya gotta stop cryin'."

"Yeah, Donnie could still be okay. His dream was probably just very sad." Brown eyes gazed over the sea green arms that were wrapped around him to see his two older brothers trying to comfort their youngest sibling by rubbing his shell.

Since Donnie could not move his arms, he rubbed his cheek against Mikey's freckled head. "It's okay Mikey. I promise I'll take better care of you from now on." It sounded good in his head but the way the other's heads snapped up to look at him made the olive turtle doubt if it was the right thing to say.

"Y-you, take care of m-me?" Mikey squeaked, "I thought you were going to die Donnie!"

"I implore you to release Donatello," Master Splinter had that certain tone in his voice that said he'd actually had to repeat himself.

"No!" Mikey buried his head into Donatello's shoulder childishly and Donnie shifted a hand to grip his younger brother's arm.

Donatello sounded broken when he spoke to his little brother. "I'm so sorry, Mike. Even after killing all those people, I still didn't save you. I ran off after April and let you die. I should have been there to help you… I am so sorry." Donnie's face was buried in Mikey's arm but he turned to the youngest terrapin as he loosened his hold. Mikey looked shocked and pale.

The bed dipped down in front of him, dragging the olive skinned turtle's attention to Raphael who gently took hold of Donnie's face. "Don, ya didn't kill anyone. Mike's right 'ere. Ya ran off but you an' Mike took down all but one ninja anyway. Ya caught the people chasin' April down but and they injected ya right b'fore ya took 'em down. By the time me an' Leo got there, ya were already on the ground screamin' yer head off."

"No," Donatello pulled his head from his brother's surprisingly gentle grasp. "I remember, you stopped me from saving April and you and Leo came back from the dead to tell me how horrible a brother I was. And… And Leo was the person I killed with his katana. And Raph had my mask!" The last was more of a sob as Donatello struggled to escape Michelangelo's grip. A hand was placed gently on an olive forehead, snapping dark eyed attention to its owner.

Splinter gave his troubled son a sad smile. "Donatello, I must impress upon you that none died by your hand tonight and that your brothers and Aprill all arrived home very much alive. Everyone is home and safe." It was all so serious Donatello was not sure if he could breath. Or maybe that was because of Mikey's grip. Either way Father rectified the issue, "Now, I would enjoy hugging you right now but it seems Michelangelo never quite grasped the concept of sharing."

Mikey jumped away from Donnie as if burned as his older brothers chuckled at his embarrassed blush. "Not funny sensei."

Like that, Donatello was embraced by his very happy father, "It was a little funny Michelangelo." The old rat murmured. The hug was furry and gentle just as Donatello remembered from his childhood. Master Splinter moved back to hold Donatello's head much like Raphael did not long ago. After a few moments of examining his son, the rat spoke, "It seems your head pain is worse than I'd imagined. Would you like me to make you some tea?"

Donatello nodded weakly against that strong gaze and once their father departed, the youngest brother threw his arms around Donatello once more. "It must have been real scary Don. I've never seen you scream like that before."

Donnie rested his head back against the wall as Mikey's own found its way back to his shoulder. "It seemed so real Mike. Especially when you told Leo I abandoned you again. You just kept saying, 'He's doing it again'. I am so sorry I keep leaving you to save April. I really love you guys. You are my family." The dark eyed turtle faltered. He had never realized just how true that statement was until he said it out loud. They were brothers, he was supposed to love them, but he really did love them.

The bed dipped again as Leo crowded onto Donatello's other side and Mikey loosened his grip turning his head to look at their oldest brother but not vacating the plot of shoulder he had taken up. The bed was certainly not designed to hold four teenaged mutant ninja turtles but their closeness felt normal to the brothers. Raphael shifted to lean against his huddle of siblings. Leonardo wormed a hand between Mikey's and Donnie's arms to take hold of Donnie's hand. They all just kind of sat there, not knowing what to do and unsure they really wanted to do anything at all.

Despite his tendencies to meditate, Leonardo was the first to break the silence. "You know, we are always here. If you ever need to talk, you just have to ask." He stopped as the three fingered grip Donnie had on his hand tightened.

Donatello leaned his head against his eldest brother's shoulder and Mikey shifted. The olive green terrapin caught his breath and spoke, "I just don't want to abandon you guys. It is like even if I knew it was all a dream, it still makes me uneasy. It was like some of my worst fears came to life and I just… I fucked up." A sharp intake of breath and a tensed muscles told Donatello that Raph and Mikey were surprised at the suddenly vulgar language but Leo acted as though he did not hear it and Donatello was not sure how he felt about that. "It was like, what I did came so naturally that I could actually do it. I am so scared of letting you down. I just kind of wish I'd dreamed of pizza zombies instead."

Leonardo's thumb began to rub soothingly against his brother's hand, "So what you are saying is that you are more upset about leaving us in the middle of a battle than the fact that we died?" Leo was not looking at anything that Donnie could see. He seemed to be barely in Mikey's room at all in fact. Donatello could not even hear his baby brother breathe.

Donnie sighed and licked his lips. He should not have even said anything. The whole situation made him feel heartless and callous. "It hurt knowing you were dead, but it was infinitely worse knowing that I caused it." The orange masked ninja tightened his hug and continued to breathe again.

Raphael glanced back at Donatello, giving his little brother a small smile and assuring him, "Don, we all know ya love April, but ya'll always be our brother." Something inside Donatello broke though he could not say what. There was silence for several minutes before Master Splinter came back with a pot of herbal tea. None of the brothers felt the need to break it but when their father returned, he shattered it with instructions to Donatello about drinking the tea. It was strong and its bitter sour taste seemed familiar to the self-proclaimed doctor of the family but he was frazzled he could not remember just what was in the drink.

After a lot of coaxing, Michelangelo convinced his olive skinned brother to sleep in his room with him, making points like they did it when they were little and that he was already there. It was not until Master Splinter agreed that it was a good idea that Donnie finally consented and downed the rest of his tea, laying back.

The effect was almost immediate. The concoction made Donatello numb all over. The headache was still there but his whole body was dumb. It did not know how to move properly or even that it was in pain. All it knew was that it wanted to sleep somehow, though Donatello was afraid of what that sleep may bring. When it became clear to the others that Donatello could not move by himself, Master Splinter untangled his turtles and directed them to lay their drugged brother out on the bed. Donatello felt a feint amusement about how carefully the broader ninjas handled him.

Then it was just him and Mikey in the bed, under the covers, Mikey pressed securely to Donatello's side with his toned arms anchoring them there. It felt odd being comforted by his younger brother. Donatello refused to question it however as Mikey in no uncertain terms kicked not only their older brothers out of his room but their father as well. The olive terrapin was not sure if he should be impressed or awed by his younger sibling's nerve. Then that temporarily commanding face was lightly pressed against Donnie's numbed shoulder and wiggling slightly back and forth.

Sleep was taking the older brother but still he could hear his brother's oddly lulling voice. "We love you too Donnie. We may not say it much but you know it's true, dude. I love you. I know I don't say it enough but anything you give me is always more than enough. It's always more than I deserve. I love you man." It was an odd lullaby in combination with the tea Master Splinter had given him but Donatello did not have the wherewithal to question it. He was already drifting off into a dreamless slumber filled with the warmth and security of his younger brother's hold.


	3. Pass the Bacon

After being rather efficiently tossed out of the youngest brother's room Leonardo practically threw his shell against the far wall to sink down to the floor still denying his emotions from bubbling up into his features. The two who had left with him could not be fooled though. Tonight was a hard night for everyone and they all needed coping. The larger, red masked turtle crouched before his older brother with that slightly angry expression on his face that was perpetually there. "Ya did all ya could Leo, we couldn't do anythin' else. It's not yer fault." The tears that had been threatening his amber eyes the whole night pricked at him again but he denied them. There would be time later to cry when he was safe and alone.

Master Splinter knelt next to his second son ready to console yet again this evening. "He is correct Leonardo, you performed at your best and that is all anyone could possibly ask. I fear this event is too raw for it to be properly used as a learning experience so I must implore you to not travel down that dark path. It will lead you nowhere good." The old rat was more at a loss than he had ever been before in parenting. It for once was difficult to tell precisely what was haunting his eldest son's eyes; surely it would be a grotesque mixture of all that had taken place this night.

"We did everything we could?" Leonardo sounded confused and for the first time in years his face scrunched up with all of his unshed burdens. "We made Don feel like that. April said that the drug would bring about Donnie's worst fears and his mind would work to force them to make sense. His worst fears. All of us poking fun at his mistakes during training and laughing at his crush on April did not help. We should have been supportive. And he killed people in his dream. Did you see his face Raph? How would he feel if he knew we killed everyone in that hallway for pumping him with syringe after syringe of that drug? Why, why haven't you punished us for that Father?" The blue masked turtle was in hysterics, his voice shaking and his whole form quivering.

Raphael turned away from his elders and Master Splinter wasted only a moment examining his oldest children. He stroked his beard. Killing was unacceptable but dwelling upon the blunder would not make it go away. There was nothing for the pair to do about the murder done tonight. "You did what you thought you had to tonight. Part of growing is making mistakes, you both should know this by now but it is a lesson I often find myself repeating. We will deal with the matter of the fallen Foot Ninja in their own time but I feel that for now, grieving is more important. Would you care to join us April?" The two turtles shifted their heads slowly to see the human looking as though they really had lived through the death of their brother, but the girl wasted no time sprinting down the hallway and throwing her arms around the old rat nearly throwing the long time ninja off kilter.

Seeing the redhead crying brought both turtles into the hug quickly and Leo felt thankful that the girl did not tense up. She had seen them both do murder tonight yet their collective worry and relief was stronger than whatever fear she may have accumulated. Together they stayed on the floor of the hallway, quietly sorting through their fears the evening brought. April moved back first, wiping her tear stained face before speaking, "What are we going to do about all those humans who saw Donnie screaming tonight?" The older rat shook his head. That was a worry he had pushed far away but he knew it was a real concern.

Raph peeked up to regard his father from within the embrace, "Ya'll have ta go up an' see how bad the damage is. We can take care of Don. After all he is the one who is always takin' care of us."

Splinter nodded as he rose from the floor, helping April up with him. The two ninja still settled on the ground shifted their hug to wrap around the other better and looked up to their father with matching sorrowful eyes of pale amber green and cold blue. Both green visages strengthened into determination. "He's right Father, you need to check what is going on topside. We will take care of Donnie."

"We may have to leave for quite a few days." Master Splinter explained, making his oldest sons exchange a resolute look before turning that determined gaze on their father. "Very well. Take care of all of your brothers." Splinter could hear the sigh in his own voice. He was needed here to take care of his children but that care would be for naught if the humans discovered them down in the sewers and did not take the discovery very well. After getting everything the pair would need together, Splinter bid his active sons goodbye saying, "I love each of you very much. I know you love one another. That love is how we will pull through this as a family." With that the human and the rat left to wander the streets of New York City.

The two older brothers settled down on the couch together much closer than they would any other time. Their legs were not only touching but they were pressed against each other. Neither brother made an effort to move away but they did not touch anywhere else. They just sat in silence for an undeterminable time listening to the grandfather clock Donatello had found and repaired click away the small hours of the morning.

As the device chimed four deeply resonating notes, Leonardo turned to his younger brother who was still staring off into space and jostled his thick arm lightly. "It's almost time to get up Raph. You should go get some sleep before morning." It was said quietly but in the nearly silent surroundings, Raphael heard it all too well.

"An' what about you, Fearless? Ya just gonna sit up until Mikey er' Don wakes up. Nah, I can't sleep any more than you can. 'Sides I can't say I wouldn't just go crawl into their bed like we did as kids. T'night was… hard. Don't think I could sleep anyways, 'specially without knowin' fer sure that Don's alright."

Leonardo leaned forward, elbows on his knees, "Do you think-" He couldn't get it out the first time. It had to be the hardest question he ever asked his brother but he was positive he couldn't find the answer on his own just sitting here. "Do you think Donnie looked any different? Like he was different like April said might happen?"

Raphael sighed and sat back against the sofa back looking as opposite his brother as he could muster without sitting on the ceiling. "I dunno. Kinda feel like I should've spent more time with 'im. Maybe then I would know if he was… Ya know, acting off. He looked like Don, Don scared half outta his wits but Don still." It was hard being the bigger turtle but Raphael had to try. He put a hand on his brother's shoulder, feeling the leader tense up. "I think the genius'll be just fine when he finally figures out that April is fine."

Leo turned to his brother and for once Raphael felt glad that he was the younger of the two for some reason. The blue masked ninja's response shocked him to say the least but somehow he felt himself agreeing though certainly for other reasons than his brother, "I can't help but wish Don loved anyone but April." The list of potential interests was low down in the sewers but Raphael didn't really want any of his brother's to be with April. He didn't want her but he couldn't figure why he would want them all to stay single. He had always chalked it up to the saying 'misery loves company' and pushed the question aside but now that Raphael heard his brother saying that, his assumed answer felt all the more wrong.

"Maybe we should make some soup, incase Donnieboy isn't up fer chewing his breakfast." Leo nodded and the two set off for the kitchen to prepare a broth based vegetable stew. There was a lot of bumping and brushing between them but neither minded or apologized. They needed the comfort of another being around. After the soup was set up and cooking, they silently agreed to start their own breakfast. Since when did it take two hours to chop up veggies and throw them in a pot with herbs for seasoning? They both knew they were moving sluggishly but it was undoubtedly from all of the physical and emotional strain in the last few hours. Eggs cooked and off the skillet made room for a few strips of bacon that Raph poked around the pan whilst they sizzled while Leo focused on not burning the toast.

The pair should have known that the smell of frying pig fat would rouse their brothers but it did not stop them from chuckling at their younger siblings' appearance. "Bacon, really? Sweet!"

Mikey grinned as though nothing had really gone wrong making Raphael sneer his response, "Not fer you kiddo. Me an' Leo made enough food fer us an' Don but not enough fer yer big mouth." Leo nudged his brother's arm sharply shooting him a piercing icy glare. "Fine, fine. Ya can have whatever's left over. How 'bout you, Don? Ya ready fer some real food?"

Don deadpanned as he sat down at the far side of the kitchen table. "Is that opposed to fake food Raphael? I don't believe I ever tried to eat a plastic apple unlike some turtles in this family." The last came out as a low grumble which elicited a short laugh from their youngest brother and a small smile from the leader.

Raph was not as outwardly pleased, however. He scowled through his celebration of how normal Don was acting and grumbled out his weak retort. "That was just once an' ya never let me live it down bro."

"Sooo sorry," The genius muttered while rubbing at his head before looking up to the two cooking turtles. "So, did anyone bother with coffee?"

"Shit!"

"Language, Raph." The two older brothers fussed but Donnie just stood and set to work on making it himself. They felt foolish not considering their little brother's caffeine addiction. They could not sleep but that did not mean Don did not want to wake up. "Head still bothering you?" Leo asked making Don jump in surprise from the older ninja appearing behind him.

Donatello fingered his forehead while pouring ground beans into a filter. He had done this too many times to really need to measure with scoops. "Only when I try to think about it." He admitted, not making eye contact.

Leo nodded and shocked him further by pressing his leafy green beak against Don's Olive forehead. "You don't seem to have a fever," the leader announced before gently pushing the other towards the table. "I got the coffee, just sit down and keep Mikey from eating the table." The others chuckled as the sea green turtle crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. Leo turned back to glare at the small kitchen appliance used to brew caffeinated beverages but it did not seem to work on the heap of plastic and metal.

Mikey gave and abrupt chortle. "Leo can't even use the coffee maker!" He announced making his oldest brother's glare focus on him.

"I can too!" Leonardo had to blush at his own response. They had not argued quite like this since they were kids.

"Leo can too." Raphael repeated with a small chuckle making the others laugh.

It was good to see smiles on everyone's faces. They needed to laugh but it did not last as Leonardo set up the coffee maker and switched it on. The youngest brother tried to keep the mood by pointing to the blue masked ninja. "Aw man, Leo can too," he whined getting a tight smile from Donnie as Raphael brought two plates of food to set before his brothers. Mikey hopped up to serve the juice before anyone else had a chance to and before long the four were sitting quietly with plates of traditional American breakfast foods in front of them.

"So um… Where's Father?" Donatello glanced around the kitchen as though the mutant rat might pop out of the oven at his question.

"He an' April went topside fer damage control. We were uh… seen last night." Raph shifted as he shoved forkfuls of egg into his mouth.

Donnie set his utensils down delicately. "It was because of me, wasn't it?" He already knew the answer but he really could not remember big parts of last night and the parts he could remember were not something he wanted to accept as truth. He covered his odd movements by taking a sip of his orange juice.

Mikey answered him first, "We tried to keep you from screaming but we had to get you home. Once Raph picked you up he didn't want let you go until we got you home. I hope you're not mad Donnie."

Brown eyes snapped to ocean blue at that. "Mike, we've already been through this. I am not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. Sorry, I shouldn't have even brought it up."

"You can talk 'bout anythin' ya want Don. We just don't wanna upset you. You've been through enough." Hurt shone through Donatello's dark eyes at his brother's words.

"You don't want to hurt me." Donatello repeated disbelievingly. He took a mouthful of toast before turning to their leader. "What's on the training regimen Sensei left?"

Icy blue eyes blinked out confusion before Leo finally found an answer. "Father didn't leave any training instructions. I think he thought it best to give us all a short reprieve. We can start training as we all feel a little better."

Donatello shook his head. "N-no. I need to get better. I need to get better now!" The others jerked back by the anger in Donnie's words but he did not seem to notice as he tore into his eggs.

"Healing takes time Donnie. The dojo will still be there when you recover," Leo tried.

"No! Not that. I need to get better at fighting. My body is fine. I can't let myself fall behind. I need to train." Michelangelo gave a small whimper as Donatello pretty much confirmed one of April's thoughts about the serum. It had changed Donnie. The mechanic normally said things like that about his latest experiments or research, rarely about training.

Leo nodded. "Okay, Donnie but you have to take it easy. We are all tired. We'll just take it easy today." At his assent Donatello scooped the rest of his food into his mouth and downed his juice in a series of big gulps before placing his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and retreating to the dojo.

Once Donatello's footsteps faded from an audible range Raphael blew up on his brothers. "What the shell was that?"

Mikey looked him over with a tight face before replying, "Donnie said he wanted things to be as normal as possible. He wants to get over this thing."

Leo chimed in, "I doubt telling him he cannot adhere to his normal routine will make him feel any better. We should just go along with him as much as possible and let him decide how he gets better. His body does seem to be in good condition."

Raph growled, not believing what he was hearing. "So yer just gonna let him go through training like nothin' ever happened so he can shut himself up all alone in that lab of his after for the sake of normalcy?" It was a growled whispery yell to keep the olive terrapin from hearing his brothers argue over his condition.

Leo crossed leaf green arms over his plastron and gave his best authoritative tone at the moment. "No Raph. I merely want to give Donnie a little reign over his own life. I thought we could let him play with his toys for an hour or two but keep him supervised and make him take breaks and interact. I just don't want him to feel useless like you do when you're sick."

"Yeah right Fearless. Yer the one who wouldn't even let 'im make the coffee on his own." Raph paused and looked over at the untouched pot of freshly brewed coffee. "I'll bring 'im his coffee." He grunted before Leonardo could say anything and made Donatello a mug of the black liquid with small hits of milk and sugar before preparing one of his own for good measure. Donnie often drank the stuff straight out of the pot but Raph had seen him sweeten it a bit when he'd done a good job and deserved a reward, plus that was how Raphael liked his own. Without another word, the most violent brother set out after the normally most peaceful leaving the oldest and youngest at the table alone.

Mikey started scraping the extra food off of Raphael's abandoned plated seeing his leader smile slightly before doing the same. "Don't let him get to you dude. We all know Raphie can argue about anything." They shared a tight smile at the childhood nickname.

Leo wanted his smile to be less forced but he knew from experience that it was much easier to ignore his hotheaded brother when Leonardo knew the red masked ninja was wrong. There was not much said at the table, "Can you pass the salt?" or "We should totally split the rest of Raph's bacon." But it was nothing substantial. They both wanted to pretend everything was normal but anyone could see right through the act.


	4. Practice

Meditating was going poorly for the olive toned ninja. He kept getting pulled out of the oneness by his memories of his brothers' dead bodies. It seemed silly to think of a speaking Leo and Raph as dead but there it was, in his head, breaking his concentration for the umpteenth time that morning. Then there was Mikey's face with bruises spread across it and the cuts from that Foot Ninja's knife. If he squinted his mind's eye, Donatello could almost see the word 'why' scrawled across the younger's freckled face but Donnie dispelled the image as soon as he saw it with a grunt to concentrate on meditation.

"Ya know Don, I think one of the rules of meditation is silence." The aforementioned turtle's eyes snapped open as Raph approached with two steaming mugs in his hands. The red masked ninja placed one in front of his seated brother like an offering before sitting down right in front of Donatello. "What's botherin' ya so bad ya can't even meditate? I mean yer almost like Leo when it comes to meditating. What's up?"

Donnie looked down into the still very dark brown liquid with a very tight expression as though the mug of joe had refused to give him the answer to his brother's question. He sighed, picking up the steaming cup, and took a calming sip. "I keep seeing things. I don't mean to, they just won't go away. They sort of break my concentration."

Raphael grunted and his brother looked over at him taking another sip of his beverage. "I don't think that was cryptic enough Don. Ya may wanna translate it to binary so I really don't get it."

Donatello frowned a bit at that. "Zero one one one zero zero one zero one one zer- oh," Donatello cut off at his brother growl. "Not serious about that then," the genius joked. "Scenes from the nightmare keep coming back. Dead people and stuff. I just can't shake all the bad memories Raph."

The red masked ninja tensed at that before leaning towards his brother, balancing on an arm. Brown and yellow green eyes locked across a distance of just a few inches but neither flinched away. "Ya can't expect it all to go away overnight Don. 'Member when we scared Mike with the vacuum cleaner that one time. He was messed up fer months, still is pretty messed up if ya ask me but still, it'll take time." Raph moved back a bit as anger burned his eyes to a more amber color. "If ya want, we can call April so ya can see her alive. Maybe it'll help the memories go away."

Donnie's eyes widened and Raph's narrowed as he brought his face closer to his younger brother's once more. Donatello had not even though about April all that much this morning. Did Raph really think she was the only one Donnie had worried about dying? The olive turtle leaned forward the little bit he could, preparing to respond to his hot headed brother when they were interrupted by the other two turtles.

"Dude! Were you guys kissing? Totally uncool. Wah!" Mikey exclaimed as the blue masked ninja shoved him aside with an icy calmness settled over his features. "Uncool Leo!"

Leonardo ignored him glaring sai and katanas and nuncucks and anything else he could possibly think of at his darker skinned brother. "What is going on here?" His cool voice did not really completely conceal his anger.

Raphael backed away from Donnie with a smirk. "Dunno what yer talking about Fearless. I was just tryin' ta help Donnie here with his meditation." Donatello blushed a bit at that. It was one thing for one brother to know he was having trouble concentrating but something else entirely for them all to know.

Unfortunately, his darkening skin was misinterpreted by Leo who was suddenly very angry. Leonardo mastered his features and wiped any emotion from his face and eyes before striding towards the practice weapons. "We will work on Donnie's meditation when we come to it but for now, let's all work on our weapons training." His voice was utterly dispassionate but it still sent shivers through his brothers.

The brothers paired off. Leo took on Raph, leaving Donnie to square off with Mikey. Most of the time, they paired off like this and after the winners of the spar would take each other on. Sometimes the losers would fight each other too. That was the worst. It always left at least one brother concerned about where he stood in his training. Donatello just stared dispassionately as his little brother spun his nun chucks around making what he claimed were 'ninja noises'. Mikey slowed in confusion to his brother's odd behavior only to get knocked back by a painful smack to his plastron by Donatello's bo.

The blue and red masked ninjas paused their own skirmish to watch their brother's behavior. Donatello continued a relentless fast paced assault of soft blows to the shorter sea green mutant not seeming to notice anything else in the world. Some of the quick attacks Mikey managed to deflect but most had to be blocked upfront and the constant barrage was really beginning to wear on the younger turtle. Finally, Michelangelo let out a whine that told his older brothers that he was ready to surrender this round.

Brown eyes widened when that whine reached Donatello's ear slits. His bo hit the dojo floor with a clatter and he backed away from his sparring partner. It was the same exact noise from that horrible nightmare. Mikey lowered his arms from their defensive stance and cocked his head at his frightened brother. Though he knew it couldn't be real and hoped it never would be, Donatello could see every bruise and cut from his dream on Michelangelo's puzzled face. The confusion only emphasized the screaming word that was cut into the young terrapin's face. The word that burned itself into Donnie's very being. Why. It had to be a question. Why was a question word but Donatello had no idea how to answer it. He distanced himself from his younger brother on shaky legs only to bump into a solid mass and find two sets of hands on him.

Startled, Donatello whipped his head back and forth with darting eyes to take in his older brothers' concerned faces before gulping and chancing a glance back at Michelangelo. Mikey looked all kinds of confused and worried but nothing else marred his freckled visage. Donatello shook himself. There was no blood, bruises, or cuts. And there were certainly no words carved into his brother's face.

Donnie gave the others a shaky grin, "Uh, I- sorry. Think I got something in my eye." He rubbed his face but knew exactly how convincing the act was.

Mikey rubbed his face too and whined again, "Leo, can I just give up today and admit defeat? I'm too tired to fight." He saw his older brothers loosening at the admission, maybe they were tired too.

Leo sheathed his katana and rubbed his arms. "Yeah, I think that would be for the best. We all need to figure some stuff out." Donnie groaned and brought his leader's icy gaze down on him. "Don, you normally take care of us and now that it is our turn, we are all having difficulties figuring out what exactly we should do."

Donatello grabbed his leader's hand with a soft lopsided smile. "Leo, I'm fine. I just think I need a different partner today." And with that the genius pushed his brother's hand aside before turning to Raphael who promptly removed his own hands.

Mikey thought his bulging eyes might pop straight out of his head but if they did they might just land in his gaping mouth. He looked over Leo and Raph too to find his oldest brothers with varying degrees of the same look on their faces. "Better watch out for flies there Raphie," he gibed quietly. Two green mouths clicked shut as the older brothers examined their younger siblings. This was all unexplored territory.

Leo straightened to his full height, needing every bit of an advantage he could get against the olive skinned terrapin but knowing he was still several inches shorter than the tallest brother. "Don, I don't think-" Donnie tensed at that. They all knew Leonardo was planning on calling his brother out but for some reason, the words were drawn out more slowly than usual. "Look, we are all tired. Raph and I got even less rest than you and Mike. I think we should all just try to relax before we really hurt ourselves." It was odd to hear Leo admit weakness but there it was.

Donnie put more distance between him and his elders before settling down on the mat covered portion of the dojo. "Meditation then?" he tried weakly, assuming a comfortable position.

Leo nodded, settling down across from him and drawing the other two into the meditation area with a lingering glance. "Alright Don. Let's do this like we did when we were still learning the forms." The other three brothers winced at Leonardo's decisive words. They used to discuss what popped into their heads with their father before banishing the thoughts one by one to the reach the oneness. It had been years since they had to perform that task and now it almost seemed an invasion of privacy to share their every thought with their brothers.

Mikey piped up his internal monologue first. "I'm worried about Donnie!" Three pairs of eyes focused in on the youngest mutant. They all could have surmised that without it being said but that was not the point of this exercise.

Raph grunted bringing out a darker color in those pudgy sea green cheeks before he too spoke, "Me too." Donatello looked confused. Why were they worried about him again? He was fine other than his headache. They were safe at home.

Leonardo leaned back on his arms propped up behind him. "I'm worried about him too." Even the leaf green turtle had to admit having difficulties achieving tranquility with that hanging on his every thought.

Dark eyes dropped down to the tan mats of the dojo. "I'm fine guys, really. There is no need to worry about me. I can handle this stuff on my own." Donnie knew they were just worried that he'd be too weakened to take over his usual responsibilities. They had to worry about him, weak or not, he was a part of their team.

Mikey hugged his legs close to his huddled body sounding frightened to the point of breaking, "I just don't want you to be someone else Donnie. You are you and I don't want to lose you like April said."

Leo cut in with a stern look at Mikey. "I thought we agreed we weren't going to tell him about any of that." It was a calm admittance but it forced Donatello's eyes open. His brothers were not telling him everything.

"Well yer the one that wanted ta meditate like this Fearless. Ya can't blame Mikey fer just being honest." Raph pointed out harshly making Leo settle back leisurely on the mats. "Mike, Don seems alright fer now. We're all a little off 'cause of last night but we're still us."

Donatello stretched his legs out before him since it seemed this would take a while if they ever got down to the actual meditation. They all thought so much more than when they were children. They thought more deeply too. Now their concerns could not just be shot down so easily to move onto the next. "April said I might wake up different?" He clarified and at his brothers' silence, he continued. "Look guys, I feel the same as I always have. Just don't worry about it. I'll let you know if anything changes." He couldn't look at his brothers so he kept his gaze pinned to the mats like Raph was weighing it down with his heavy body.

"I just can't imagine life without you, dude! What if your start acting like Leo or even worse, like Raph! That would be totally lame." The youngest burst out.

Raph glared at the sea green terrapin, "An' worst of all. What if 'e starts actin' like Mike." Raph knew very well what he and his brother meant by this but the hidden context was probably wasted on the rest of them. Donnie was one of four and it would be a crime to lose that part of them only to double another part. Raph didn't want to lose any of his brothers and he certainly did not want two of any one of them. Yeah, one of each was distractingly annoying enough. He huffed, "Don, we just wanna make sure yer a'right. We thought we might lose ya last night."

Donatello covered his face with a three fingered hand. "Guys, I'm fine. I'll be back in action in no time. I am just having trouble banishing some mental imagery."

Raph growled again, he sure seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "Yeah. We know Don. Ya can't get April outta yer head." With that, he rose. "You can handle this, can't ya Fearless? I'm gonna go finish my meditation in my room. I'm havin' no problem emptyin' my mind. Yeah, I know, it's usually empty," he forestalled the common meditation joke before leaving his brothers without another word.

Mikey began picking at the somewhat frayed mat, not really knowing what to say about Raph's outburst. Was Raphie jealous of Don's attention on April like Mikey was? "Don't worry 'bout him dude. You know how Raph gets." His brother still refused to look up from his scrutiny of the floor. "Don, come on. I don't care if you like April." Mike whined but still nothing changed on his thoughtful brother's face. "Leo, help me out here!"

Leonardo snapped from his daydream just in time to miss his olive skinned brother moving in to kiss April. It was not the first time he had such thoughts but it was the first time he'd gotten caught by his brothers falling into them. "Um. Yeah, Raph's always like that. He's totally the sister we never had." Leo really hoped that fit with the conversation at hand or he'd be busted.

Mike was confused by the blue masked ninja's response. "What?" he questioned with all of the eloquence of an illiterate deaf. Leo furrowed his brow looking for a reason to go with his obviously wrong remark but Mikey was quicker. "Leonardo, I was talking about Donnie. He's just sitting there. Geez, you guys never listen to me." Mikey huffed out and turned away from the other two.

Leonardo was thankful for his brothers' lack of attention as he felt his face heat up. "Mike. I was just thinking. I thought you were talking to Don. I'm listening now." Neither of the blue banded ninja's brothers looked at him and he schooled his features to a leader's stoic calm. "Come on Mikey. You know I'm listening now. Just tell me what you said."

Brilliant blue eyes found paler hued ones and held them with a tight hurt fueled anger Leo did not quite understand. The sea green ninja sighed and relented, knowing deep down that he could not beat his older brother in a battle of wills. "I said, Donnie's not listening." Icy blue eyes softened making the younger ninja shiver. Leo was always intense but it was so much worse when that cold gaze was pointed right at you.

Leonardo frowned slightly. Father was right; he needed to take care of all of his brothers. Mikey was just as upset as any of the rest of them. He could not slip up anymore. He needed to be the big brother. "You're right Mike. Let's see what we can do about that." Two pairs of blue eyes focused in on the olive turtle who still seemed not to notice them. "Yo, Donnie. You alive in there genius?" Nothing. Donatello gave absolutely no sign that he had heard his brother's question. It was an almost complete repeat of Donnie's dazed behavior from when he woke last night. Michelangelo went to his distracted brother's side and thrust his head into Donatello's line of vision. "I don't think he can see you Mikey." It was an odd thing to say with the two turtle's faces less than a foot apart.

Mikey looked puzzled as he turned to his oldest brother. Leonardo still had that cold passionless expression that made Mikey feel so small. The sea green terrapin felt his stomach churn under that gaze and his body followed with it as he fell back on his carapace and onto his tallest brother.

"Ow! Mikey, what the shell are you doing?" Donatello snapped out of his dark internal thoughts to rock his little brother off of him.

Once the two were untangled, the sea green turtle scoffed, "Me and Leo were trying to get your attention."

"By jumping on me?"

Leo stepped in before the two could come to blows. "It did work, Donnie." Fierce brown eyes found Leo in a face angry enough to rival Raphael's. "We're just worried about you. You can't let Raph get to you. He's always like that. You know that." The leader stopped, suddenly unsure but he refused to let any of his thoughts cross his expression.

Donnie tried to keep his face from falling again. Raph may not have been right about Donatello worrying so much about April but it proved what the lanky ninja's brothers thought of him. They all thought he was that obsessed with the girl. Deep down Donnie had always known that but now he could no longer deny it or push the thought away. He was stuck with it until he found a way to deal with it. "My mind is clearer now. I think I just figured out what was keeping me from meditating," he lied seamlessly to his brothers. "If you guys are feeling better, we could just meditate for the rest of practice."

Mikey whined a bit, "I can't. My brain won't shut up." He had his hands over his ear slits but not in a way that would impede his hearing.

Leonardo cast one more withering glance at Donatello, suspicious of the genius deceiving them before turning all of his attention on his neediest sibling. "Well let's go through your mind together. I'm sure the three of us can work everything out well enough to get at least a little bit of decent meditation in. What's bothering you right now?" The leaf green hued turtle felt he may regret this conversation but he already made the mistake of creating this situation so he resolved that seeing it through was an acceptable punishment for now.


	5. Breaking Planes

Mikey surprised him however by expressing worry over the numerous humans who had seen them last night and how they'd deal with possible challenge of being discovered. Donatello pointed out that there was nothing they could do about that sort of threat currently so they all cast it aside as a problem out of their circle of control. After, Mikey too claimed that he had nothing else keeping him from meditating and somehow Leonardo believed him. The blue eyed leader closed his eyes for a few moments, not so much as seeking the calming oneness of meditation. He listened to Michelangelo's breathing to even out and slow with the soft pace of emptiness but Donatello's quite breathing did not assume its normal state of total blankness. Light blue eyes peeked at their brothers faces to see both bare of any tells of cheating meditation but Leo knew Donatello was putting on an act. Leo's meditation varied every time he did it. Sure, sometimes he would empty his mind and allow himself the mental rest he was denied otherwise but he normally spent several more hours focusing on one thing. The trick to meditation of that sort was to not grasp too tightly to whatever the subject was and to know when to move on from it. Sometimes it was a physical thing keeping his mind occupied like the edges of his swords and other times it was something intangible like the effect those blades could have one the world around them. It was surprising at first when his sensei told him that meditation did not always have to be thoughtless. It was just meant to give your mind a rest and to allow it insight on the rest of existence.

Like many times before Leo threw out all concern and active thought to leave a loose outline of his brothers floating in the void that remained. They'd pitch and row, expand and contract, interweave just to fall apart but nothing groundbreaking came to him about them. In his mind, they were all the same as they had been for years. Each admirable for his own talents, but all flawed just as everyone else Leo had ever met. Michelangelo was easy going and had the greatest aptitude in the fighting ring but lacked the motivation to see his training through completely. Raphael was powerful and definitely the most emotional but his close held fears got in his way more often than not, causing him to develop that overwhelming temper. Donatello was who he focused on subconsciously the most this morning. He was definitely brilliant and clever but he spent too much time thinking and trying to control everything. He had yet to learn that he did not have to personally see to everything.

Leo grasped them each loosely in his mind and fell out of his meditation. It had only been a little over half an hour since he'd begun. He actively searched his mind for the reasons behind their recent behavior. Raph would be upset over Donatello's capture last night. Just as Leonardo had, he would feel as though his own failure led to their little brother's pain. Raphael would be worried about Donnie's personality being lost and the hot head had all but admitted to regretting not spending more time with the mechanic. Raphael had done what was basically expected of him since they retrieved Donnie last night. He had made jokes in attempt to deny this grave seriousness of the situation. He had tried to stay with Donatello as the younger ninja's unofficial protector and he'd been frustrated that Donnie would not open up completely about the whole situation. The one thing that did not fit with Leonardo's mental image of Raphael was a strange fixation the dark green terrapin picked up a few months ago. He had developed a weird obsession with April and Donnie's relationship though Leonardo did not see the older brother wanting to be with the human at all. Leo wrote it off temporarily as Raphael's unwillingness to lose his brother even if it was to love.

Leo's eyes cracked open just a bit to see the blank faces still on his brothers before delving back into his mind. He dwelled on Donatello this time. Donnie was definitely out of character. Leonardo could not be sure that it was a permanent change but he assumed it was caused by the night terrors from the serum. Don was spacier than usual and his bizarre spar with Michelangelo disturbed Leonardo. He usually would use tactics in his fights rather than an endless barrage of quick attacks. His signature weapon gave him a slight advantage over Michelangelo this morning with his odd offense but when Mikey let out one of his patented whines, Don had shut down completely. He even looked frightened or sad again. Leonardo chalked it up to the whine bringing back a part of Donatello's dream. It would certainly take time to rebuild the staff user if he turned off like that every time something reminded him of the terrible nightmare. Leonardo refused to think of catching Raphael and Donatello in close quarters and Donnie's resulting blush. There would be time for that later, when he was not with two of his younger siblings.

Last, he focused on Michelangelo. Leonardo could have smiled at how his youngest brother was behaving. It was so normal. Everything he did made sense in its own Mikey sort of way. He attached himself to Donnie's side because the worry of losing his older brother scared him to distraction if they were separated. It screamed Mikey. As the youngest of them, he was used to being the bottom of the totem pole so he held no reservations about showing how much this episode had shattered him. He tried to brush it off in his own way but he acknowledged that this was too big for him to handle on his own and took his brother's comfort when he needed it. Leo found himself wishing Donatello had that mentality but since every brother decided they had something to prove, Donatello had avoided exposing any weakness like the plague.

Well, any weakness that was not his infatuation with April.

"Leo," One leaf green brow muscle twitched at his brother's voice. Always too perceptive, Donatello's amusement could be heard the next time he spoke. "Oh, you can't even pull the whole no interrupting your meditation thing. You have not been meditating for over thirty minutes."

"Aw, what? No way!" Leonardo focused his impassive gaze on Michelangelo seeing the young ninja had finished his own meditation as well. "That's messed up! I have been sitting here all nice and quiet, actually meditating while you-" Mikey frowned and cut off, not knowing exactly what it was his eldest brother had been doing during meditation. "Whatever. Since I actually did my morning meditation, I get the TV. Hey Don, you wanna play mortal combat?"

"Well-" Donnie started but whatever he was going to say never made it out since Mikey was already pulling the genius into his own world.

"Ooh! I claim Scorpion." That was no surprise to the other two. Mikey always chose either Scorpion or Liu Kang. Donnie sent his elder brother a pleading look as Mikey grabbed his arm and whisked him away for some game time. Leonardo sighed at their departure. He rose and headed to his room noting that it was already ten on the way. He padded past Raph's bedroom and heard nothing from within but he did not stop. He had something else he wanted to do.

He sealed himself in his room with its unpainted light grey walls and deep blue accents. He clicked the lock into place and settled onto the top of his bed. He needed release. It always took the edge off of his more difficult days. Master Splinter always said moderation was essential though the rat often took that to extremes by denying himself pleasures like sugar or salt for months at a time. Leonardo always assumed he could apply that moderation to the pleasures of his body and mind as well as long as they did not harm others that is.

He finally pulled his blue mask from his head and placed it on his navy painted dresser before removing all of his bands and wraps as well. He would need a shower after this as well but he would postpone it for the time being. Pads and his belt found their way into one of his drawers along with the rest of his gear. Now completely bare, he laid back on his carapace to begin his honed and practiced method of release.

First came the mental imagery. It had taken quite a bit of time for him to accept his odd fantasies but eventually he acknowledged them as just that, fantasies. Fantasies did not hurt anyone as long as they did not become obsessions and were not acted out. Leonardo had only broken one of those rules. His disturbing fantasies had become an obsession but they only affected him and if he had his way, they only ever would affect him. His brothers were his fantasy. Not just one or two but all three of them had somehow made it into his sick fantasy world. He felt sick for thinking of them all this way, even sicker since it was not just one person like Donnie did April. That brought a twinge to his heart. He would never have any of his brothers in the way he wanted but his relationship with Donatello was even more of a fantasy than the other two.

Knowing that, Leo summoned up images of his brother's smooth olive skin and remembered how soft it was in places from when they brushed against each other or when they sparred in the dojo. Leonardo had this image in his mind of what being with Donatello would be like. Donnie would be just as inexperienced as his brother but he probably would have done research on sex before so he wouldn't be completely in the dark. Don would have his reservations but would warm up to the idea because it would all start with a kiss. Just a kiss.

Leo would suggest it at first, leaving Donnie to decide but would get too impatient listening to his brother rattle off the pros and cons of such a move and he would just kiss him, probably silencing the genius mid word. The kiss would be uncertain and maybe even a little clumsy but they were both pretty fast learners. It would be gentle as they tested one another but eventually they would bring their hands to each other's bodies to feel everything about the other. Leo's would wind up tracing up and down Donnie's plastron and his tender sides just to see if he could make Donnie gasp or whimper or make any noise really. He wanted to see and hear his brother. He wanted to taste him. Donnie's hands would tangle-and pull Leo closer.

Even in his own mind, Leo could not banish the image of his brother with the human. Guilt suddenly overtook Leonardo. It was wrong to think of his brother that way while he was so vulnerable. Knowing he would never get off on this track, Leo shifted his tactics.

Mikey was the safest choice to fantasize about right now so he made his mind up that way. Mike would be eager to try something new especially since it was so taboo, so forbidden. He would jump right into the kiss, opening his mouth immediately like he always saw on the television. Leonardo would be startled for just a minute before grinning into the kiss and deepening it with his tongue. They would battle and play with each other's tongues and lips barely even noticing how their hands roamed the other's body. Mike would grip Leo's mask tails to keep his face down on his level during the kiss. His other hand would travel confusedly up and down Leo's arm. Leo on the other hand would grip his younger brother's hips and pull him close, wanting to feel every part of that sea green body right away.

Leonardo reached down to trace the bottom of his carapace before twirling his finger around the hard lump his erection was forming in. He groaned as his dick found its way into his hand. Mike would break away first, whining and Leo would somehow know that his brother was aroused. Leonardo would reach down to touch Mikey just as he had just touched himself. The younger would respond by dropping his sea green penis into Leonardo's capable grasp and he would pump the younger turtle to the same rhythm he was using on himself.

Mikey's face would flush and make all sorts of intoxicating noises as his big bro handled him. Sea green hands would clasp Leo as Michelangelo's anchors as he was whisked away by the pleasure. Leo gasped and arched his body imagining Mike bucking forward and grinding against him. Mikey would have to be close to his climax. The noises he was making were almost shouts right in Leo's ears. Leo groaned.

Bang, bang, bang, bang. A violent rapping assaulted Leonardo's door and fantasy. "Leo?" Raphael called. Hearing his voice brought the scene this morning crashing down on Leonardo as he imagined Raph kissing Donnie right there in the dojo with that delicate flush painted across olive cheeks. A sharp intake of breath was all the sound he made as Leo came. His body tensed and released all of its tension in the form of a hot viscous liquid that Leo deftly caught with a spare rag. He did not have time to properly ride out his natural high, Raph was waiting for him. He made himself and his room presentable, not really taking Raphael's shouting to heart. "I swear Fearless, if ya don't open this door, I'll run my sai across that pretty skin of yers. I bet it'd look real nice next ta all that red I could make."

Leonardo unbolted his door with his face wiped clean of emotion. Once the door was open, Raphael briskly glanced up and down the hall before pushing his older brother back into his room and locking it back up tight. "What do you think you're doing?" Leonardo huffed indignantly. "This is my room you know."

"Oh, would ya be quiet!" Raphael pressed his ear to the door, much to his brother's amusement before turning back to his brother with a look like he had just bit into a lemon. "How long?" Leo puzzled at the cryptic two worded question before Raph realized he may need to clarify. "How long've ya liked Donnie?"

Wide eyed, Leonardo stared at his almost nervous looking sibling. "I've always liked Don…?" He bluffed, passing his surprise off as bewilderment but Raphael was not having any of that.

"Oh spare me the lovin' brother routine. I know ya an' it may've taken me a while ta finally figure it out but I know now an' if ya don't spill, I'm bringing it ta Don." Raphael sat on Leo's cot and pinned his brother with his amber gaze.

Leo joined him on the bed and focused his gaze on his leafy green hands. "I don't know just please don't tell Donnie. Not right now." It was true, Leo could not remember exactly when his fascination had formed. "Raph, I swear I would never…" Leonardo cut himself off not really knowing what he wouldn't do. He would certainly masturbate to his brothers but where would he draw the line if it was left up to him. He wondered if there would ever be a line in such a case.

"Do ya ever shut yer trap? Man everythin's Leo Leo Leo all the time. Even you must get sick of it sometime. Ya know Don's not… well he's not interested in anythin' you could give 'im. Think ya might've chosen the wrong brother there, Fearless. Maybe one too many bokken ta the head." Raphael sniggered.

Leonardo was not amused. "Any brother would be the wrong one, Raphael." The elder hissed and listened for either of their younger brother's out in the hall but he could still here faint remnants of Mikey playing his game across the lair. "They are all off limits."

"Yeah, but Don's straight fer sure an' who would've thought it'd be him too? Wait. They're all off limits. Aw you like Mikey too, how cute. Ugh, please don' tell me ya want me too." Raphael joked noticing Leo's leaf green face deepen in a blush. "Ya really do like Mike don't ya? Please tell me ya don' like me too. I dunno if I can handle that shit man."

"No. I couldn't be more annoyed with you, Raph."

Raphael gave an exaggerated sigh. "Whew, I almost thought we might have a problem there. I wanna tell ya somethin' bro." Raph stopped and Leonardo stared at him, still in partial disbelief that this conversation was taking place.

"Well?" The leader was getting impatient with this odd discussion. Raph cocked his head to the side and Leo glared full force at his little brother. "What did you want to tell me? You want something in return for your silence on this matter? That is called blackmail Raph." Leo shifted uncomfortably.

"Blackmail? Oh, no. I'd never do somethin' so… underhanded. I just wanna make sure yer thinkin' 'bout Don's best interest. He actually has a chance to be happy, to be normal, kinda. I just don' want ya ta mess it up fer 'im." Something caught Leo's attention. A flick of the eyes that was Raphael's tell. The bigger turtle was going to say something else but Leo thought it may have still come out. Raphael had already thought all of this through which lead his brother to assume he'd had more than a morning to consider it all. Raph liked Don too. The new piece brought out the full picture to the oldest brother. Raph was fixated on April so much cause he was trying to make Don happy. Raphael really loved Donnie. "Ya understand, right Leo?"

"Yeah, I get it now. I won't mess up everything you gave up so much for."

"Huh?" It was the darker terrapin's turn to flush. "I dunno what yer talkin' about. Just don't fuck shit up fer Don. Don't hurt Mike either. Ya know if ya do, I'll kill ya."

Leo nodded at that. He knew how protective Raphael got. Raph may kill Leo if he got too selfish. "I never want to hurt either of our brothers. I'd do anything to avoid it, Raph."

The hot headed turtle nodded slowly while scrutinizing his brother as if he would catch some sign of a lie on Leonardo's face. "Good talk." He conceded playfully and rose. Leonardo stood as well as his brother went to unlock the door as if it was his own room. "I just wanna make sure ya remember them is all." He opened the door to leave but Leo forestalled him with a firm grasp on his muscled bicep.

"I could never forget them Raph." It sounded almost pleading but even Leo could not surmise what he might be asking for.

"Cowabunga!" They two winced in unison as they heard Mikey's exclamation quite clearly from the television room.

Amber eyes were sad but resolute. "Ya know I don' mean that ya'd forget 'bout them. Jus' remember them in all this." It came out gruffly but Leo could feel the pain in those words. Neither of them could have what they wanted especially since it meant hurting one of their brothers. Never one to like to leave on too serious a note Raph added, "An' take a shower damnit. Ya smell like the fight still."

Leonardo let his brother go and listened to the fight that erupted between the two loudest members of the family in the living room. He left his door open and settled down on a strip of plush mauve carpet Donnie had picked up for some project before realizing he could not use it. Leo, not wanting to waste such a nice find had brought it to his room to use as his personal meditation mat. Raphael liked Don too. That seemed right since the two were almost opposite in character though they both shared an odd love for technology. Donnie liked April and Mikey liked… well no one, but at least he was happy. Now knowing that at least one of his brothers was interested in another gave hope. Maybe he and Raph could work something out between them, some sort of substitute situation. Leo sighed, he knew that if that ever happened he would probably have to lie to his younger brother about his motives. Raphael seemed genuinely disgusted by the thought of his older brother's affections.


	6. Writer's Block

"Something troubling you Leo?" Donatello asked quietly from the doorway. Blue eyes opened slowly in an attempt to mask that the older ninja had been caught off guard. He hadn't really even considered Donnie sneaking away while the others still bickered but here he was, staring at Leo. "May I come in?" The olive skinned turtle asked looking slightly nervous about the move.

Leo idly wondered if the genius had figured out his cravings just as Raphael had while gesturing the hesitant terrapin inside. There was nothing to do about it but face the problem head on if Donatello had found out. Donnie closed the door on his way in as well, locking it in a smooth practiced motion. Leonardo kept his face calm and studied the younger turtle. Leo crossed his legs Indian style to become comfortable. "You are already aware of my most pressing concerns Donatello." It was not a lie but the leaf shaded turtle was not sure how true it actually was. "Is there something bothering you? You did not meditate at all this morning after you said you could." It was not accusing or assuming. They were just facts said without any inflection to show what Leo thought of them.

Donnie gave his sheepish half smile that brought a smile to his elder's face as well. "I just want to sort some of this out on my own Leo. I didn't mean to lie to you. Trust me?" Those dark eyes were pinning him in their thoughtfulness. Sometimes Leo wondered if the genius could see through them all and just went along with them for fun. Did he know Raph and Leo desired him as well? Leonardo would not put it past the genius but neither would he hint at it himself. It was Raph's secret to keep, not his own.

Leo nodded. "I am trying to trust you Don but things like what happened in the dojo this morning kind of make it more difficult than it should be. I cannot decide which concerns me more, the possibility that you might have hurt Michelangelo or the possibility that you might have hurt yourself." He hated sounding like their father but it was actually true.

Donatello chuckled, "You sound just like Father." He said with a smile. Maybe talking like Master Splinter was not all bad, Leo thought as he included himself in Donatello's heartfelt smile. "I will meditate on my own. I need to sort some of this out by myself. But there is something I would like to speak with you about." The olive skinned turtle settled down on the mat in front of Leonardo.

Leo cocked his head slightly in a silent question that was apparently lost on the genius. "Yes Don?" He questioned as he took in the full sight of his brother. Donatello was tense. His muscles were strained in odd places rather than his neck and shoulders where they normally would be from long work hunched uncomfortably in his lab. His dark eyes were creased from the haunted memories hidden within them. The older turtle wished there was some way to take the other's pain away but he knew time would be the best cure for his ailing spirit.

Leo fought to keep calm as a set of big brown eyes rose to gaze imploringly at his own while their owner spoke. "I would like further kata training." The older terrapin could only stare dumbly at his brother. "I realize that my skills with weapons other than the bo are lacking. I would like individual training using your katanas. Combat is unpredictable and I should be better prepared for whatever situation we are placed in." Don's intense gaze made his brother worried. It was said how Donatello always spoke: he would give a main point and follow it up with whatever information he felt like sharing at the time, but the subject matter made Leo want to cringe. Donnie was not acting like himself. The genius often spoke of being prepared but requesting individual kata training was pushing it.

The leader contemplated how to respond to his brother's words. He could not possibly allow his disturbed brother to take on additional practices until he was definitely stable. Oddly enough, Leo decided to use a more Donnie-like method to turn down the other's request. Don's approaches to most subjects somehow spared feelings regardless of what he said. "No. Don. Last night was hard on you even if you won't admit it. We need to monitor you to make sure you're okay before you throw yourself back into the hard stuff. Think of it as a broken bone. We will give you time to mend and watch you how you always watch us then, after a few weeks or however long it takes, we will test the break and let you do whatever you want. I'll still train you but only after I am certain you're better." He really hoped his words were soft enough not to hurt his little brother even more.

"You will train me when I'm better." Donatello echoed. Brown eyes stared at something unseen under a furrowed brow making Leo nervous that he had possibly said the wrong thing. The olive skinned terrapin was given time to think over his brother's words carefully. "You won't believe I'm better now no matter what I do, will you?" Don sighed. "Time, you say. How can I prove myself Leo? How can I show you that I'm fine, that you can trust me?"

This was bad. He was treading on dangerous territory now. "Don, I'm not doing this because I don't trust your word. You might think you are okay but you've been acting weird all morning. What happened in practice is not okay. I'm just worried about your safety. We'll train together when you're better if you still want to." Brown doe eyes had narrowed during his speech. Don took on a look that was a peculiar mix of hurt, anger, and determination.

Donatello was intense like he sometimes got during battle but more often when he was caring for someone sick. Like everywhere else, their family had a social hierarchy, mostly determined by age but since they'd all grown so much, the control often shifted in certain scenarios. Donnie was the usual cause of these shifts. The tall terrapin had his lab, a domain in which he had complete authority within unless if Splinter was there to discipline the genius. Now, Leonardo could feel that coffee colored gaze piercing him and attempting to assume command as though a life was in the balance that only Donatello had the know how to safeguard.

The leaf green turtle would not surrender his position on the matter however. Leonardo had to do what was best for his brother whether the younger ninja appreciated it or not. Thankfully, Donatello gave a sigh and relented first. "Observation then. When did I become the experiment?" The olive toned terrapin's voice was quiet as he spoke, sounding like the words were really meant to stay in his head but such speech was common in the company of the brilliant turtle. "I guess it's only fair after all of the stunts I've pulled in the past." Brown eyes came back to focus on blue and Donnie's mouth tighten when he realized he had an audience. Leo gave no signs of hearing his brother but still Donatello threw on a sheepish smile. "I am not unwell Leo, but I will take whatever time and actions necessary to prove my complete health to you all."

A smile cracked through the older male's façade at the obvious effort the other was going through to appease the both of them. This was just how confrontation was between the two more levelheaded brothers. They would work together to come to a compromise that left them each winners but both were tremendously stubborn. In fact, the family must have some mule mutated into them from somewhere because they all had tenacious tendencies.

The important thing was that Don was willing to work with them now instead of resisting his brothers' care at every turn. Leonardo nodded, accepting the boon. "You wished to discuss something else?" It was such a backwards way of speaking that Leo had picked up from their father but it certainly did sound better than a version Raphael might try, 'What else do ya want?' The older male was more than ready to wash the grime from the fight off of his shell but he would at least hear his brother out fully.

There was a war taking place in the dark eyes of his younger brother, but Leo would not pry into the other's world without proper invitation so he sat waiting for the genius's answer. Seconds ticked away for at least a full minute until the olive skinned terrapin responded. "No, thank you. I'll… go meditate now." Don squeezed a tight smile onto his face as he stood to leave. Leo wanted to stop him but found himself unable to come up with a way to cease the other's movement in time. When Donatello had his mind set on a task every movement was purposeful. Everything was exact, without excessive flourish, power, or grace. When the other was being precise he was near perfection and the leaf colored ninja could not make himself interrupt that flawless trance.

Alone again, Leonardo sat for a little while longer and allowed his mind to wander in the more flighty, light hearted ideas in his head. Like this, he could entertain the notion that he might be able to have Raphael one day. It was not something he truly believed but he could at least permit a small venture into the fantasy world of that thought. Raph liked Don but the feelings were not returned. As far as Leonardo could tell, Donatello did not harbor any favoritism among the brothers. For the rest of them, their family seemed to have varying degrees of tolerability but for Don, it was different. Maybe the genius really was on a different level than the rest of them like the eldest brother had previously thought. It would explain some of the looks he gave the others if he was just _going along with them for the ride_. Leo filtered his thoughts down and filed some away to contemplate more thoroughly later. Right now he needed a bath. He needed rest. Leo would do what he could right now and leave the big stuff for later.

* * *

A lone turtle sat in his haven, finally surrounded by his element that ordinarily would have given him the facilities to challenge anyone and overcome any obstacle with just the right amount of effort. Now cold technology did nothing for the male. Shelved books laid untouched, each beckoning the being with their knowledge so ready to be devoured but he left them be, unable to even just choose one for consumption. A hundred menial labor inclusive tasks lay dormant in wait as he just could not summon the wherewithal to work on them. Even things he had previously considered thoughtless confounded him.

Before him were tools both coveted and scorned by most forms of artist: a blank sheet of paper and a pencil. Somehow, writing anything and breaking that sacred plane of white seemed like a daunting task. Though he'd discarded countless pages before it for bearing rubbish of his making, now it seemed a great waste to so much as etch a line onto the blank slate eagerly awaiting some form of thought to be expressed upon it. Donatello just could not do it though. He found himself inexplicably unable to jot down even the simplest ideas. Well, not inexplicably.

There was good reason for his hesitance. His brothers knew why he was having this problem or at least had an idea formed in their heads. In fact, they kind of were the cause of his issue. It was not something of their doing precisely but it was their presence in his life that was keeping his ability to concentrate a considerable distance from his head. It was their significance in his mind that had undeniably done something to him. He could not say what that thing was precisely. Normally he would have an uncanny knack for diagnosing himself and others with various conditions though he often ignored anything plaguing his own person. At the moment, no matter how he tried, he could not figure what was really essentially wrong with himself nor could he ascertain a possible solution. At this rate he was not after the cure, just some idea to start with. He would settle for any sort of idea even one of the stupid ones that brought the disgusting reminder that not every idea from his mind could be a brilliant one. But still, there was nothing on that damned piece of paper!

Dark eyes stared at the offensive item taunting his lack of productivity. There was so much he could be doing right now. There were things to be done in his lab that even Mikey could accomplish without incident but the genius could not even summon those to mind. Every now and then he would catch himself thinking something vaguely worthwhile but even thoughts of tasks were not enough to stir him from his seat or even to move the writing implement across his empty document. Easy stuff like turning on his main computer or welding one of the various broken metal pieces he had just lying around waiting to be put to use floated around his head but the motivation to do any task was simply missing. His desire to spend his time updating the lair's security system had just disappeared at some time leaving Donatello to just stare at the greatest enemy of anyone with a creative block.

Unfortunately, that was not the worst of it. He could deal with the blankness of mind and paper any other day. He would normally just grab a book to pour himself over or join his brothers in recreational activities. He could not even focus on those things at the moment. It was worse than the times he went around with a specific project occupying his mind. Now it was not even images of statistics or blueprints elbowing all else from the stage in his mind. All he was really audience to was his deceased brothers.

It was hard to grasp the concept that all three brothers were actually alive, especially the youngest, Mikey. He could distinctly see that horrid word 'why' formed brutally in liquid red gashes anywhere he looked. His traitor of a hand wanted to scrawl the foul term on the immaculate sheet but he denied the impulse. Donatello was in control. He would not waste a good sheet of parchment on something so incredibly distasteful. He would save this particular page for something grand.

It did not help that the only other things capable of seizing his thoughts for a substantial amount of time were his other two brothers. Now the lump Raphael had gotten was seen as a grotesque pulsating thing nearing red delicious apple in both proportions and color. Leonardo was not much better to think of. The eldest turtle would accuse Donnie now with blood tumbling down from his mouth in a disgusting mixture of bile and saliva. The notion made the olive skinned terrapin want to retch but he felt he could smell the metallic scent wafting around the room along with a sharp acidic undertone Don knew too well from many family members' stomach illnesses.

The ninja scolded himself as he covered his mouth with a three fingered hand. He was supposed to be both a ninja and a doctor. He really should not let imaginary scenes unsettle him no matter how disgusting they were. Still, his stomach pitched and rolled regardless of how he felt about the matter. He would not get sick. He could not sick up. Not now. Not with how his brothers had been treating him. Not with how they had been thinking of him.

"Don, ya'llright?" Dark eyes turned to regard the intruder to what used to be a haven for the genius. Raphael was clean now and Donatello could smell feint remnants of soap over any imaginary bodily fluids. Dark emerald toned skin was stretched over menacing appearing muscles in the poor lighting Donatello had deemed to use in his lab today. The single desk lamp he'd bothered to flick on was stationed right behind the scientist illuminating the stage for an utterly white slip that resolutely refused to preform today.

It took Donnie a moment to come back to himself from thoughts about how the lighting was so similar to the dream when Raph's wounds had been shrouded by lingering shadows. Don hoped this was not another of the visions. He could see no visible bump on the side of his brother's head but there was no telling if the stout turtle had a purple mask by the tails in either hand. Coffee eyes blinked any further ludicrous thoughts from his head. "I'm just fine. My head is hurting a bit." Donatello turned back to what felt to be the bane of his existence at the moment and tried to will words or sketches or something to life upon it. Anything but 'why' at least.

Raphael's footsteps could be distinctly heard as the large turtle approached. Raph was certainly not stomping about the laboratory but the muscular terrapin was not hiding his approach in any way. "What'chya workin' on there Don?" Donatello could feel the amber gaze boring into the heart of his empty head as the other turtle peered over his shoulder to take a peek. "Pretty sure ya gotta write somethin' fer it ta count as a project."

Donatello turned and realized how close his brother's face was to his own. Maybe six inches separated them but Raph only had eyes for what the genius was working on. Or what the genius was not working on. "I'm thinking of something spectacular that needs to be recorded." He responded just to try to get away with his stalling.

Raphael turned to him with a brow cocked cockily. "Oh yeah, an' what's that?"

Donatello turned back to the paper, "Haven't come up with it yet." He had a feeling he might never come up with his newest greatest idea. The others had talked about him changing. What if he lost this part of his life? How would they cope? He did not know if he could survive without thinking of some new idea to be tested or delved further into every time he washed his hands or opened a door.

Raph did not seem too impressed with his answer. He pursed his lips as the thought mulled about his mind before dismissing it back into the void it sprung from. "You should take a break from all this. It'd be nice to have someone ta hang with 'sides Leo and Mike. We could play checkers or somethin'."

Donatello turned to the other with a frown. "I don't really have time for a break. Maybe we can play in a couple of hours." All Don really had was time. He just was not sure he could manage playing checkers. If his brothers were concerned before, they would be downright terrified if he lost to Raph at checkers.

Raphael snorted. "Don't have time fer- Don, yer staring at a piece of paper. It don't even got any words on it fer cryin' out loud! Just put down your pencil an' come join the rest of the world." As much as he loathed admitting it, Raphael was right. He was not accomplishing anything sitting here but still the genius did not want the others to find out he was losing his touch. He did not want to confirm their fears. He wanted to at least pretend everything was alright the way it was now.

Donatello scrawled three words on his paper and angled it for his brother to read, 'Leave me alone.' Raph growled and turned narrowed amber eyes on his sibling. "This ain't funny. Ya need to spend time outta the lab. Come on, we can watch a documentary er somethin'." A strong grip encompassed an olive hand drawing dark eyes to where the two brothers were now connected. "C'mon." Raphael beseeched.

Don stared down at his brother's hand on his. Raph wasn't yanking or yelling which was odd for the short tempered terrapin. All he was doing was gently tugging on his brother to get the other to rise on his own and follow. Donatello did not want to go along with it though. "I have serious work to do here Raph. If Leo's cutting down training time, I might as well spend it doing something productive."

Raphael frowned with an exaggerated eye roll. "Yer not gettin' anything done. Just take a break fer a while. It'll all still be here when ya come back as long as we keep Mikey outta here." The emerald turtle looked around as though Michelangelo was already there and waiting to spring some sort of attack. "Let's jus' go see if Mike can really play Ninja Gaidon with his toes. He bet chores for a week that he could." The smile across the emotional turtles face showed how likely he thought it was that their baby brother would be able to conquer such a feat.

Finally, Donatello conceded with subdued nodding. He needed to convince his brothers of his health. He would go out and socialize. Maybe that way he could convince them that April was not his only concern. He flicked off the desk lamp and welcomed the darkness like and old dear friend. He was tired, it took massive amounts of control for him not to just stumble to his medical cot and pretend that Raphael had not come calling on him. Without the light straining his dark eyes to remain awake, they were sorely tempted just to slide closed and never open again, at least not in the foreseeable future.

The other turtle could not be ignored however. A warm hand pressed gently into his own as they both guided each other out of the dark room as skillfully as if the lights were not extinguished. It felt odd holding Raph's hand again when the last time they had done it unnecessarily had been several years ago. Don held the other loosely back on their short trek to the door. He was not entirely sure what else to do. Raph was not acting as though this was odd so why should he?

The only problem with that train of thought was that this was odd, very much so.


End file.
